I am the kind of person that always tells people to look on the bright side of things, to continue to trust God even in hopeless situations and to find peace and comfort in the truth that God will never leave nor forsake them. If you have read a number of my blogs, you will realize that they are all in one way or another centered around the above message. There are people that think I say/write these things because I have got everything figured out. I wish that were even halfly true; I would probably be a published writer by now: but am not. I write, not because I have fully solved this equation called life but because I continually need to remind myself that there are much greater truths than the circumstances that surround me. There’s not a single article I have written that I didn’t need to read/hear myself. And long after the few readers I have have forgotten that they ever read a particular article of mine, I go back, read, reread and reread those articles over and over, that I may awaken the sanity in me and desist from being drowned in fears and sorrows.
Take today for example; I woke up with a gazillion agonizing thoughts about the state of my life right now. The picture of my life right now is quite hard to describe; there are parts of it so pretty and then again, parts of it that are not quite pleasing, to say the least. Usually I settle for okay. Today however, my thoughts were fixed on the not-so pleasing parts and every thought of mine was literally rotating around the parts of my life that I usually prefer not to think about at all. I have like two major issues bothering me; but I am only writing about one today.
I don’t have a job right now. I finished school in May, it is now nearing the end of December and I am still jobless. Six months is not a really a long enough time to get you all worked up and vexed about being unemployed (in my world anyway) especially if you haven’t even graduated yet. But when every single person you meet asks whether you are working yet and when your answer of “no I am not” is followed with a look of disbelief or pity and questions of whether you are writing applications or not (the tone usually suggests that you are in fact not applying); when people call you asking for money and you hear the soaring levels of expectation in their voice; when it gets very unnervingly uncomfortable to call and ask your parents for money every three weeks or so, as though you were still at school; when you tell someone that the only work you are currently involved in is house work, and their jaw drops and they ludicrously stare at you like you are a waste of your parents’ good genes; when someone asks you what your plans as regards career are and you honestly have no answer; when all these things start simultaneously happening, then six months doesn’t feel like six months; six months feels like a year or two: the pressure mounts, the frustration cuts at you mercilessly and the desperation grows each passing day.
There are days I feel like I have done all there’s to be done and all that is left is for me to rest, trusting that God is definitely working, preparing me for a gigantic blessing. On such days, I feel like my father Abraham who had to wait 25 long years to have a child by Sarah or like David who waited many a painful years before he became King of Israel. These are the days when I cling, with all that I have to verses like:
Romans 4:19-21 And not being weak in faith, he did not consider his own body, already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb. He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform.
Then there are days I feel like I am being too complacent with my blessings; I feel like I am clearly not doing enough to get what I want. On these days, I think on the verse:
Matthew 11:12 And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force.
And after all the thinking I am left wondering if I am being violent enough: am I really praying as much as I ought to? Am I reading and meditating on the Word enough? Am I receiving the blessing of the job I want or am simply stopping at desiring it? Perhaps I need to fast before I see certain things happen in my life? What if there is some principality that is blocking my blessing and all am doing is “waiting”? All those are questions whose answers I am not sure I have. At the end of the day I am left at crossroads, loaded with a heavy burden of a zillion unanswered questions and countless daunting thoughts as regards what I ought to do.
And so my dear reader, believe me when I tell you I write not to show you that “I got this!” Neither do I write as one that has fully apprehended this thing called life. I write because amidst the hustle and bustle of life, the disappointments and frustrations, I need to remind myself of the truth; my God is with me through it all. As I type each word, I am able to bring the thousands of wild thoughts in to subjection to a greater knowledge: the knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ. And I share these writings in the hope that one or two people that relate with my situation will be helped by these words even as I am helped.
Many thanks for reading these my rantings.